Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Dean Martin
24
hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we
get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
BEER: HELPING UGLY
PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
--Unknown
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine
Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor
to Winston Churchill...
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill...
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly. --His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny
Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin
Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser
Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad.
Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example,
there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -
so let's just
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a
six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as
explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."